The most beautiful thing about love is that it can never be perfect, in fact it’s far from perfection. I’ve been with my partner Ollie for seven years now. We met at a friend’s birthday, and a few months later I asked him out on a date. Things moved pretty quickly, and after six months we moved in to a tiny flat in Clapham North together. After four years we got married, and we’re now expecting our first child in December. Like any relationship, it’s been a rollercoaster of a ride, and anything but easy at times. But we’ve stuck together and worked through the tough times, as well as fallen even more in love during the good.    

I recently worked with an amazing tarot therapist, Leona Nichole Black (please check her out!), who took me through a four-week journey of self-discovery. We were talking about my relationship with Ollie, and Leona simply said, “You’re both here to learn from each other”. It’s so true, and it really made me think about what I have learnt about myself and about love since being with Ollie. So here goes…

1. I’m allowed to be vulnerable
   We’d been together for about two years and I started going through a lot of internal stuff. Whenever we would go out drinking (which was quite a lot in those days) I would get really drunk and end up in floods of tears. This kept happening over a period of about six months and I would never remember what I’d said, but Ollie would tell me that I was quite self-loathing in my comments and seemed to be carrying a lot of sadness. In the end I decided to go and speak to a counsellor as it was clear there were some deep-rooted issues that I needed to try and uncover and learn to express. It was an important time in my life as prior to that I’d never felt able to express my weaknesses and vulnerabilities. I slowly began to open up to those around me and express myself in ways I’d never done before. This was particularly important for my relationship with Ollie, as without showing him my vulnerability, he would never have known all of me, and as a result I don’t think our relationship would have worked. I needed to find my voice, and I guess a big part of why all of those feelings began to surface at that time was that I felt safe with Ollie and therefore able to fully express all parts of me. Once I started opening up, the more comfortable I felt owning my vulnerabilities, which also allowed me to become closer to the person I love. I now feel that there is no part of myself that is off limits to Ollie, I can talk openly about whatever is on my mind. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to do, but I know that I will be accepted and loved regardless.
   

2. My happiness and self-worth have to come from within me
   No matter how much I love and rely on Ollie, I’ve learnt that I have to do my own work to be happy and value who I am. Sounds obvious, but it’s taken me a while to fully realise how important this is. In the past, when I was really unhappy in my work, I used to power all of my energy into our relationship, always looking for quirky places to go to eat, or for nights out, searching online for the best mini-breaks. But it was never enough. That’s no reflection on how much Ollie means to me as a person, and how much I value him. It’s just a fact that to be truly happy, I need to be happy with the person that I am, the friendships I have, and how true I am to myself in my day-to-day life. By doing my best to live as authentically as I can, I am now more content within myself, and as a result, a better partner for him, which in turn means that we have a stronger, healthier relationship. A relationship that’s built on strong foundations and independence instead of co-dependence due to fear or insecurity.
   

3. Silence and a hug can offer more support than a thousand words
   Whenever Ollie is upset, my immediate reaction is to think about what action can be taken to improve or change the situation. I also tend to get angry on his behalf and start to raise my voice (not great when someone is bringing their worries to you). I’ve learnt that this really doesn’t help how he’s feeling. He needs me to just listen and not instantly jump in trying to be the saviour of the day. He’s upset, stressed, and just wants to talk it out, and have some emotional support and understanding. This situation has played out so many times in our relationship (often resulting in an argument as my response will just leave Ollie feeling more stressed than before he told me what was wrong) and it was only very recently that Ollie told me he just wanted me to give him a hug in those situations. So, I’m now REALLY trying hard to do this. It goes against everything I want to do, but it’s so important that as his partner I’m able to support him at times he needs me in a way that is most beneficial for him.
   

4. It's okay to reach out for external help when it’s needed
   Last year, Ollie and I had a lot going on. We were stressed, and instead of dealing with what was going on together, we retreated into ourselves. This situation ended up creating a barrier between us which meant that we were really struggling to communicate and empathise with one another, which led to us both feeling very alone and sad in our relationship. Every time we tried to talk, things would end up getting heated because we didn’t seem to be able to connect with each other. We were both struggling to move passed the things we each felt upset and hurt about. We wanted to move forward, but we really didn’t know how to get out of the negative spiral we’d found ourselves in. So we decided to go and see a relationship counsellor. I think there is less stigma around this than there was, but there was still a part of me that felt bad that we had to get external help to work through our problems. As it happened, by the time we got an appointment with the counsellor, we’d already managed to get to a place where we understood each other more. Perhaps, taking the initial step to see a counsellor was supportive in prompting us to have some hard but honest conversations in opening up and listening to each other more deeply. When our appointments started however, we decided to stick with it and build on the steps we had already taken as a couple. It was a really positive decision, as the counselling has helped strengthen our relationship in so many ways. Each week, we make time to go and speak about us in a space where we both have to listen to the other person first, and we have the input of someone outside of the situation to help us look at things from different perspectives. I've also made a point of being very open about our decision to see a relationship counsellor with our friends and family as I think it’s something to be proud of and not ashamed about. Asking for help and wanting to work on your problems together in a constructive way is really positive and certainly shouldn’t be perceived as a failure.
   

5. I really need time on my own
   Throughout my twenties, time to myself was something I had very little of as I was always jamming my diary with one social event after the other. But now, I deliberately make time for me, including time away from Ollie. I’ve realised that I really need time alone in order to process how I’m feeling so I can then articulate these feelings and figure out what the best thing is for me to do. Time for me to be in my feelings, to explore where I want to be, work through any stress or upset that I might be experiencing is so important for my wellbeing. I’ve often spent days on my own in London, walking, reading, going to exhibitions, and drinking coffee with only my thoughts for company. But recently, I decided that I really wanted a few days completely by myself where I could turn my phone off, and explore some ideas that had been going through my head for a while. I booked a long weekend in Glastonbury; Somerset and it was so good. I walked up to Glastonbury Tor, I journaled, I spent time lying on the grass looking up at the sky, and I left feeling like I had so much more to give to myself, and to our relationship, because I’d taken that time for me. The mainstream narrative that exists around relationships tells us that we should want to spend all of our time with our chosen partner, and we should enjoy every minute of it. But if I did that, I wouldn’t be the best version of myself. I recognise more than ever my need to explore my own ideas, interests, and feelings independently at times, and that I need to actively invest time away from Ollie doing that.
   

6. Living with the person I love is hard at times
   Living with anyone can be tough as we all think that the way we do things is the right way. My experience of living with Ollie is that this feeling is magnified as I have this unfair expectation that he is also going to want to live in exactly the same way as I do. Obviously, this isn’t the case, and it can definitely cause tensions at times. Unfortunately, we do fall into the gender stereotypes here, I like everything to be tidy and organised, and Ollie wouldn’t care if we lived in a complete tip. I get frustrated with him as I feel like I’m doing the bulk of the house-work, and he gets frustrated with me as he feels that I’m moving his stuff all of the time. We’ve had so many discussions, arguments, and laughs about our differences in managing our home and have made some progress. We decided to do the adult thing and make a list of everything that needed to be done around the house and then divide up the chores between us. We also started combining our money more (we got out a joint credit card and pay it off each month) to make buying things like cleaning products and food for the house easier. This has had some success as at least we now know who has to do what. I’ve also learnt that there are some things that I either need to simply do myself, or let go of. Certain things around the home are just not on Ollie’s radar, but they’re important to me. Therefore, if I want those things done (like making the guest room nice for visitors) I just need to do them myself, or not worry about them. There’s no way that I can expect another human to want to live in exactly the same way as me. Ultimately it goes back to the age old saying that the root of a happy relationship is compromise.
   

7. I can admit I’m wrong and I can also forgive
   In previous relationships I used to be incredibly stubborn and never want to let my guard down. Looking back, I think that was because I was insecure in myself and also insecure in the relationships. However, one of the first things that came naturally to me when I started going out with Ollie was my ability to say sorry, and also to forgive him for things he did that upset me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not always easy to do this in the moment, but after taking some time to reflect, I am now able to say sorry for the things I’ve done and forgive Ollie without feeling like I was somehow letting myself down (something I used to feel in the past). Without being able to recognise my flaws, and to forgive Ollie’s, we wouldn’t be where we are today.
   

I’ve found writing the blog post a really therapeutic experience for me. It’s made me take time to reflect on the things that I feel positive and grateful for in my relationship, as well as remind me of the areas that I still need to work on to be a better partner (the work never ends). In light of that, I’ve decided that I’m going to try and make this a regular thing.

What does your imperfect love look like?

Other bits on love…

• A great On Being podcast episode with Alain de Botton, “…about the true hard work of love.” Check it out here

• If you would like to find out more about relationship counselling I can highly recommend the charity Relate. They offer a confidential and means tested service all over the UK. Check out their website here