My journey of learning about myself and tuning in to who I am started a few years ago, but like anything, it’s a process. I don’t think self-discovery ever ends, and that’s the way that life keeps us on our toes. However, in 2018, some really fundamental things happened that set me on the path to where I am now.
The year started as it had since I can remember. It was about 7am on New Year’s Day and my partner, some friends, and I were sitting around drinking, still up from the night before. We’d had all of the usual chats, the heart-to-hearts, the laughs, and the hugs. On all accounts it'd been a good New Year’s Eve, but I was left feeling empty and sad, even though I had been with all of the people I love.
I’d done a hell of a lot of soul searching over the three years leading up to this point and I was certainly a lot happier. I’d changed the way I worked, I’d gone back to university to do an MSc, I’d started making more time for myself and the people I love by not committing to every single social event, but I still felt like real purpose was missing from my life. I’d also been through phases of drinking less, but I’d never properly addressed my drinking, even though it was the last big thing in my life that was having a negative impact.
Looking back, I think that I’d always used alcohol as a crutch whether that was socially, or emotionally. I’d used it to give me confidence, or to help me forget. I’d used it as a tool to distract myself from dealing with some deep-rooted issues within me. Those are big and scary things to face, and maybe I had been doing all of the self-work leading up to this point to get myself in the best position to finally tackle my drinking, and be with my thoughts, without holding a glass of wine as a distraction.
But in January 2018, something clicked, and I knew I was finally ready to assess my relationship with alcohol. By complete chance, a few days later I was scrolling online, and a pop-up appeared advertising a “drink coach”. I was intrigued and clicked through. I’m an Aries so I’m always quite impulsive, but this felt like the perfect timing. Before I could really think, I’d already signed up for my first 30 minute skype “drink coach” session*.
Prior to the session I had to complete a questionnaire about my drinking habits. I filled it out as best I could, and my final result wasn’t good. I was placed in the high-risk category.
During my first session with the “drink coach” we talked about my questionnaire result, about limiting the number of units I was going to drink the following week, and how that made me feel. To be really transparent about the situation, the NHS recommends drinking no more than 14 units per week (which in real terms equates to around five large glasses of wine). I was drinking nearer to 40 units per week on a regular basis.
That first session was really pivotal for me, as the “drink coach” was obviously seriously concerned about my drinking behaviour. This made me take a step back and look at the situation properly, something I’d never done before. I’d always liked to drink, my friends all liked drinking, and as a result, the way in which I drank had always seemed normal. But it wasn’t.
So, from that day, I made a very big decision to dramatically reduce the amount of alcohol I consumed, and this really changed my life.
I gave myself a limit of six drinks per week. It sounded like nothing to me at first, and I was pretty nervous about going to social events with my three-drink limit in my head. But the more I did it, the easier it became. And because I had set myself a drink limit before going out, I drank slower, making sure that they would last the whole evening.
By setting myself a limit, and slowing down my drinking, I’d taken control of one of the biggest obstacles that had been holding me back from connecting with myself and achieving my dreams.
I suddenly felt so alive and empowered (I know it sounds cheesy, but it really was an incredible feeling). I was fully in the driving seat of my life for the first time. I remember going to Liverpool for the weekend with a friend, and I was a bit nervous as I’d allocated myself four drinks to have over the whole time we were away. It was still quite early days in my new drinking behaviour and I was worried that without alcohol I wouldn’t have a good time, or I’d come across as boring. I didn’t say anything to my friend at the time about my reduced drinking, and the thing that surprised me the most was that I had a great time and it wasn’t an issue at all. I had a miniature bottle of wine on the train, and two glasses of wine when we went out for dinner. I drank slowly, and I enjoyed myself. I woke up early the next morning and I can honestly say that I nearly cried with happiness. I knew that I’d conquered it. And from that point, I knew that I had the ability to achieve more with my life.
I’d already taken the step to go freelance a few years before which was great in terms of providing me with more flexibility to explore other avenues in my life. But the problem was, that I had still been searching for that “something”. I’d looked at loads of different jobs, I’d thought about doing a PhD, retraining as a teacher. You name it, I’d explored it. And still nothing really grabbed me, which started to make me feel lost again.
But having a clearer head, and more time because I was sleeping better and not feeling hungover, gave me the space to focus on what I really wanted. And it was during this time that I decided I wanted to be a creative business owner. I’d always known that I had a huge amount of energy and passion that I wanted to put into something, I just hadn’t known what that something was until now.
The day I realised I needed to create my own business and my own niche, it all seemed so obvious. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before. I was never going to be happy trying to mould myself into an organisation, or a certain way of showing up at work, I needed to create something of my own terms. And so that’s exactly what I started doing.
My creative business is still very much developing, but it’s exciting, and it’s filled that hole within me. I have the ability to put things out into the world that are important to me, and to shape my work by my own values. That’s pretty much all I’ve ever wanted.
The key things that I’ve taken away from my experience are that it’s okay not to deal with all of your shit at the same time. In fact, is probably better that you don’t. We’re only human and can realistically address one thing at a time. Also, building self-awareness and personal strength is a job for life, it’s not going to happen overnight, and none of us will ever be perfect. So, with that in mind, it’s important that we’re kind to ourselves and appreciate the things that we have achieved.
I think we all need something meaningful to invest our energy in, and for some of us it just takes a while to find what that something is. But in order to find it, we have to be prepared to take action and to be brave. Nothing ever changes if we keep doing the same things, the cycle has to be broken somehow.
And finally, taking action is usually a lot less scary than thinking about it. If there’s something that you know is a barrier in your life, acknowledge it, and then do something small to address it. It might be a challenging relationship at work, or with a family member. Try to react differently to them and see what happens. Or you might also feel that you’d like to drink less. If that’s the case then start by allocating just one night a week when you’re going to not drink or just have one drink.
More info on mindful drinking
When I was thinking about reducing my alcohol consumption, I found it frustrating as most of the advice and information online talks about complete abstinence. There seemed to be very little around drinking less. That was until I can across a movement called “mindful drinking”. If this is something you’re interested in finding out more about here are some useful links:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/mindfuldrinking/
https://www.mindful.org/get-more-from-your-glass-of-wine-with-this-mindful-drinking-exercise/
* I want to be clear at this point that there was a cost associated with the session (it was £50 for 30 minutes – which I actually thought was quite a lot) and I was able to afford that. However, if you would like to consider getting support to reduce your alcohol consumption and can’t afford that, there are other places that you can go for free help. Check out the NHS link here for more info .