Are you implementing your boundaries or simply putting up barriers? Boundaries are very different to barriers, and sometimes I think the two can get confused. I want to unpick both to try and help you get clear on the role they each play in your life.   

Boundaries are important. They help us get our individual needs met by enabling us to make healthy decisions in our day-to-day lives. Everyone’s boundaries are different, but we form them by first, getting really honest with ourselves about what we need to keep us healthy, safe, and happy. Second, we decide what things we need to put in place in order to meet our needs. For example, if you have a challenging relationship with a family member, you may decide that your boundary is to only spend a certain amount of time with them so as to protect your mental wellbeing. Or, it might be something as simple as knowing that you need to get eight hours of sleep each night in order to function healthily, which means going to bed at a certain time without fail. And finally, we solidify our boundaries by communicating them to other people.

Sounds simple right? Know what you need, understand what steps you have to take to achieve that, and then tell people what that involves. Wrong. So many of us are ruled by barriers because we don’t even start with step one, thinking about what we need.

Barriers on the other hand aren’t quite as helpful, because they tend to be reactive walls we put up formed around negative emotions and resentment. We all have barriers, but they can become problematic if we’re hiding behind them because we haven’t thought about what we need, and therefore what our boundaries should be.

But to get to a place where we’re even thinking about what we need, we have to actually value ourselves, and believe that we’re worthy of having our needs met. So, let me tell you right now…you are worthy. You deserve to have your needs met, however big or small they might be.

So, if you feel that you’re not that clear on your own personal needs, why not start with step one. Write down anything that you need to ensure you’re healthy, safe, and happy.

Next, think about all of the steps you need to implement in order to get each of those needs met.

And finally, start implementing your boundaries. This might involve starting new habits like turning your phone off at night to ensure you get the uninterrupted sleep you need. Or it might involve saying no more. I know from personal experience what it’s like to be a “yes” person and overcommitting to way too much. So, one of the things that I’ve started to do over the last few years is make sure that I only commit to the things that are important to me.  

You don’t need to feel bad or guilty for saying no. But, what we tend to do instead of saying no, is that we make up an excuse instead of being open and honest about our boundaries. This often consists of a white lie at best, and a huge great whopper at worst. Adopting this approach can leave us feeling guilty. So, this can either prevent us from declining in the first place, and forcing ourselves to do whatever it is, or if we go through with the “excuse”, we spend the rest of the day/evening/weekend questioning whether we made the right decision. To stop all of this torment, the best route that I've found to deal with this is plain old simple honesty.

Honesty definitely doesn't feel like the the easy option in the moment, when you’re automatically reaching for the excuse of a headache, or being double booked. But seriously, it’s the best way forward. You don’t need to be rude or mean, but you do need to state clearly that you’re feeling exhausted and you're really trying to get out of the cycle of not making time for yourself when you know you need it, so you’d like to cancel but rearrange for another time (preferably a time when you think you’ll feel a bit more up for it).

Adopting this approach also opens the door to having really honest conversations with the people around you, and this is all fuelled by beginning to have honest conversations with yourself. Those people who respect you, and your boundaries, will completely understand and support what you’re doing. It might even trigger them to start thinking about how they’re using their time. And for anyone that does give you a hard time, really think about why they’re doing that – most of the time it’s because your decisions are making them feel uncomfortable about who they are, and nothing to do with you, so stick to your guns.

If this has peaked your interest, then have a listen to a podcast episode hosted by the amazing Rochelle from the Vulnerable Podcast about exactly this. Check it out here.

What are your boundaries and how easy do you find it to implement them in your life?