We all have things that we don’t like to share because they make us feel embarrassed or even worse ashamed. But it’s these feelings that keep us silent and trapped, unable to make change. A couple of years ago I committed to speaking out about the things that I’ve found most shameful in an attempt to relinquish the control that shame has had over me. What I’m about to share is one of those experiences.

The first time I remember blushing uncontrollably (it’s an actual condition, you can read more about it here) was when I was at college. I’d never experienced it before but soon became hyper aware of any situations that might catch me off guard and bring on a bout of blushing.

To anyone who hasn’t experienced uncontrollable blushing (which will be most of you because it only effects between 5-7% of the population), it may sound like such a trivial thing, but if you Google it, most people say that the worst thing about it is the embarrassment you feel when you’re in a state of blushing, making the blushing worse, not the actual act itself. That’s because it makes you feel small, ridiculous, like all your credibility has been removed in one fail swoop, and as a result, ashamed.

My blushing took a hold of me quite badly when I was at university as I suffered with what I now know was imposter syndrome. It held me back from making friends, speaking out, sharing my opinions, and having the experience that I’d hoped for. Instead, it pushed me to drink more and use drugs as a way to help me speak to people and temporarily boost my confidence. This was a crutch that stayed with me up until just a couple of years ago – those kinds of shackles are hard to break free from.

Throughout my career in my twenties, my uncontrollable blushing would peak and trough, sometimes I felt I had it under control and other times it would catch me completely off guard and I’d feel like I was back at square one. But it got really bad when I was in my late twenties. My anxiety levels peaked to a state where I sometimes felt paralysed. I was experiencing panic attacks at my desk at work (experiences that made me feel like I was looking down on myself and not fully present in my body), I couldn’t speak to anyone at work without blushing (team meetings were the worst), and it even began to play out when I was having conversations with close friends. Any kind of attention on me at all made me want to curl up into a ball and hide away. So, I turned to alcohol, my trusty crutch of choice, to help me escape the anxiety and worthlessness that I felt.

My mental state finally pushed me to make the decision to leave the job I was in at the time (something I’ve written about in other posts) and forced me to take time to reflect on where I was and why. I was broken, physically and mentally I was depleted. I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted, or what would make me happy.

Having time away from the world and identity that I’d created for myself over the previous decade, as well as support through talking therapy, and the continued love and kindness from my incredible partner, I started to get some perspective. I began to make decisions from my soul, a deep part of me that I hadn’t connected with for so long. I started to trust myself and my intuition again. I started to take risks and put myself out there so I could follow my passions instead of always leading with my head. And slowly, slowly, I began to build a life that felt good, not a life that I’d fallen into, or a career that was about valuing all of the things that I didn’t stand for.

This was over five years ago now, and I’ve been putting one foot in front of the other, feeling my way, and trying my best to make conscious, heartfelt decisions since that point. And what’s interesting is that the blushing has now reduced to the point where I don’t really think about it anymore, which is wild considering how much of my energy it used to consume. Which draws me to conclude that the high levels of anxiety I was experiencing were linked to feeling that I was living a lie, I was lost, and I didn’t recognise or respect the person I’d become. I hadn’t done anything terrible, but over the years I’d moved further away from the things I valued.

It’s this reason that I’m running my Clarity + Focus Workshop on Saturday 15th February at Benk + Bo in Shoreditch, East London. Because I want to use my experiences to help you connect with yourself on a deeper level and get really clear on what’s important to you so you can make decisions from a soulful place, resulting in decisions that are more likely to serve you well and make you feel fulfilled on a deeper level.

You can find out more and get your tickets here. I’d love to hear from you if you have any questions or relate to any of what I’ve shared, get in touch by emailing me hello@amyhouldey.com.