This week is a major turning point in my life. I’m 36 weeks pregnant, and yesterday, I left my freelancing work for the next four months so that I can welcome our little person into the world in the coming weeks, concentrate on my family, and delve deeper into my creative work as a coach. It really feels like I’m about to open up a whole other part of myself and begin a new life chapter which is exciting, terrifying, beautiful, and overwhelming all at the same time.
The journey to get to this point has been up and down. For various reasons, I was never a person that knew I wanted to have children. In fact, if anything, I always leaned more towards not wanting them. I think a lot of this was linked to the mainstream idea of motherhood, that when we become a mother, we’re expected to be consumed by our child and lose ourselves in their needs.
This has always frustrated me because the same expectations aren’t placed onto men. They are still encouraged to be lots of other things as well as a father, without judgement or critique. I guess in the past I felt that if I did have children, I would have to give up lots of other parts of me that I wasn’t prepared to do.
A big thing for me has always been Ollie and I equally sharing the responsibility for looking after our child. And in the last year, we’ve actively shaped our lives to give us more freedom and control over our time (we both work for ourselves). This enabled me to see that we were in control of how we chose to be parents, and didn’t need to conform (traditionally the woman being responsible for the majority of the childcare, particularly in the first year). Because of the flexibility and autonomy we’ve both been able to build into our lives, for the first time, I felt I could be a parent and also nurture the other parts of myself that fulfil me as a person.
That’s not to say that our life won’t change when we have to raise another human. To be honest, things have already changed a lot. From the moment I found out that I was pregnant, I felt a responsibility for this other being like I haven’t experienced before. Initially it was overwhelming and I struggled a lot with the first few months – sickness, fatigue, trying to adjust to everything having changed but also nothing having changed, anxiety that something would go wrong, hormones all over the place and bringing lots of feelings to the fore, the secrecy that we’re supposed to cloak around our pregnancy until after the first scan.
I felt like I didn’t know who I was. I was in a limbo land, not yet a parent, but also not the same person I was before I found out that I was pregnant. This was also hard to articulate to my partner as things had changed for him too, but not as instantly, and not in the same way. I must admit that at times I did feel a little resentful that I was the one who had to go through all of the physical and emotional upheaval, even though it wasn’t his fault at all. It’s just the way it is.
But as the months progressed, I began to feel differently. A huge sense of calm and happiness engulfed me. I felt inspired and creative in many aspects of my life, which is still the case to this day. This has played a huge role in me building my business as a coach, encouraging me to connect with other people, put new ideas into practice, and really tune in to who I am and what’s important to me.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still moments of complete panic, and as this week feels like such a milestone, I’ve certainly questioned and doubted myself at times. Worrying whether I’m doing enough for my business, whether I’m preparing enough for birth and parenthood. And also worrying about being a good enough partner and friend with everything else that’s going on. But deep down, I know that this is just the usual voice of self-doubt that rears its head from time-to-time, and that actually, everything will work itself out. One thing I’m determined to do over the next four months, as I go through this transition, is to always challenge the pressure I place on myself to achieve or succeed in one way or another. I just want to be, and to enjoy this part of my journey.
I truly believe that I have to be happy in myself in order to provide the best environment for my child to be happy. And for me, that means investing time to be able to continue learning about myself, and to be open to all of the possibilities of the future, without pressure or judgement.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on parenthood or being child free. I’ve also included some links below to brilliant books and people on Instagram who’ve inspired me along this journey.
Interesting books to read:
People to check out on Insta: